December is awesome for bringing on the sad.


(I have deadlines galore this week, which is obviously why you’re getting two posts in the same day from me)

For the most part, I’m pretty happy with my life right now. My kids are healthy and reasonably content. We’ve got enough money to have a decent place to live and food on our table. I work with incredibly fantastic people. I have romantic love in my life for the first time in longer than I’m comfortable admitting. Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe I’m just melancholically pensive lately. Given all the blessings I currently have, I feel bad about feeling sad.

But I do. Feel sad that is. And I don’t think a light box aimed at my face for an hour a day will make much of a difference. I’m sad, not SAD. I’m sad because I have to bolster myself for one more year of being the “single” grandchild at holiday dinner. I’m sad because I’m exhausted. I’m sad because I can’t figure out how the hell to live within limits that seem to be narrowing themselves by the hour.

And I’ve brought all of this sadness upon myself. Every single element that is currently keeping me up at night in tears and sleeplessness is a choice I have willingly made. Does that mean I’m only capable of making choices that lead to my being overwhelmed, disappointed, or at times unbearably lonely? Have my choices been wrong? Should I go back and reverse them, make different choices? Would different choices lead to different emotional outcomes? And what would I lose if I chose differently?

I believe that the choices that currently feed the sad are the right ones for the long run. I just need to keep reminding myself on days like this.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. Jeni said,

    December 4, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    (S) I have so, so been there/was there/sometimes am there. I am wishing for you a happier 2011. The happiness will come, perhaps sometimes punctuated by sad, but happy will come nonetheless. How can it not?

    PS And I am sorting old photos and surfing web because *I too* have finals on Monday.

  2. Freyja said,

    December 4, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Oh I have been feeling like your last paragraph myself sooo much lately. You are not alone.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: