(I have deadlines galore this week, which is obviously why you’re getting two posts in the same day from me)
For the most part, I’m pretty happy with my life right now. My kids are healthy and reasonably content. We’ve got enough money to have a decent place to live and food on our table. I work with incredibly fantastic people. I have romantic love in my life for the first time in longer than I’m comfortable admitting. Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe I’m just melancholically pensive lately. Given all the blessings I currently have, I feel bad about feeling sad.
But I do. Feel sad that is. And I don’t think a light box aimed at my face for an hour a day will make much of a difference. I’m sad, not SAD. I’m sad because I have to bolster myself for one more year of being the “single” grandchild at holiday dinner. I’m sad because I’m exhausted. I’m sad because I can’t figure out how the hell to live within limits that seem to be narrowing themselves by the hour.
And I’ve brought all of this sadness upon myself. Every single element that is currently keeping me up at night in tears and sleeplessness is a choice I have willingly made. Does that mean I’m only capable of making choices that lead to my being overwhelmed, disappointed, or at times unbearably lonely? Have my choices been wrong? Should I go back and reverse them, make different choices? Would different choices lead to different emotional outcomes? And what would I lose if I chose differently?
I believe that the choices that currently feed the sad are the right ones for the long run. I just need to keep reminding myself on days like this.