If you pretend that you’re okay with something for long enough, eventually, you’ll be okay with it.
That’s kind of a problematic statement, though. It’s more or less the same thing as
Be someone else until you become that person
There are times when I force myself to fake it ’till I make it. In order for me to have gotten to this point in my life, my key coping strategy has been performance. I assess a given situation, figure out the expectations, develop a persona that can best meet those expectations, and move forward wearing that costume. I’m starting to realize, in retrospect, that these personas start to disintegrate over time, and eventually I’m unable to hold it all together. So much energy goes into maintaining my situation-specific identity that I can no longer also accomplish required tasks as effectively, or in the case of friendships and relationships, be emotionally available.
I am extremely successful at meeting expectations.
Until I’m not.
In spite of my apparent successes, after falling apart so many times, I think it’s time to redefine success for myself. For all my talk about not wanting to intentionally pass as typical,
By performing normal,
Is that not exactly what I’m doing?
Every time I take on the task of being someone else until I can comfortably be that person, I tell myself that the person I am isn’t worth as much as the person I’m pretending to be.
The true irony of this for me is that I absolutely cannot abide when people lie to me.
That seems to be all I do, at times.
To everyone. To myself.
If I give myself permission to show myself,
Run-on chatter word association,
AND I kick ass at the work I do and the love I give,
The only person I’ll ever need to be again is the one I already am.